This is what happens when you're forced to sit in a room for three hours a day and do work that you are completely unmotivated to do. And when you have a laptop but no internet access. Turn up the volume and enjoy.

Continual ball of frustration

So when am I coming home? I have no idea.

Number of jobs I've already applied for today: 13
Number that have already been declined: 2
How many of those would I actually enjoy: maybe 2

The love of my life, my everything, my beautiful, flawless possession that I hold in the utmost value, it is broken. My wonderful camera that I got for graduation and have cherished for only a few short months went crashing to the floor yesterday. Broke my heart. The lens is jammed or broken or something. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I'm totally in one of those moments in life where it seems that nothing is going right and in an effort to combat it, I'm going numb. And that's never good.

This has been such a downer of a post. So here's a Spanish flower:

It was an emotionally lousy week followed by a pretty good weekend. We helped out with the Chat Weekend retreat, which pretty meant doing what we were told to do. But when not doing that, it was fun to just chill out with people. Both Texans and Basque. Met a bunch of really great people. They say that its impossible to build relationships here because its impossible to break through the coldness of the people. But having something like this weekend helps to build friendships that could last for quite a while.

One of my favorite things that I've learned here: my name doesn't exist. That is why whenever I introduce myself to someone, all I get is a blank stare and them asking me to repeat it a few times. Makes me feel special.

So, we've spent more than a month preparing for the past week and a half. Now that the past week and a half are past, I am really curious as to what the rest of our time will be filled with. Conversation groups? Maybe, but I don't exactly do much of those. Just one, actually. And I don't believe anyone is keen on giving me my own, which is fine with me. So, back to taking pictures? Sounds good.

I'm ready for some baseball. And cupcakes. And Starbucks. And fried catfish. And a million other things that I miss so dearly. Most of which are food.

Sheep

So as of today, I've been in Europe 2 months. That's kind of a long time. At least to me it is. And it seems that for those 2 months, I've been a constant ball of frustration and irritation. Once, just once, I'd like things to go as planned. I don't want last minute changes or alterations or cancellations or additions. I want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, and then go and do it. As planned. I know I have to be flexible and bendable, but you can only take so much bending before you snap and break.

So the Texas kids were pretty cool. I liked a few of them. And it was nice to have other people around that were American. Ah, I sometimes miss Americans. That is, until they take pictures on the bus, wear touristy jackets and fanny-packs, sing in public, and generally irritate me with their ignorance to other cultures. However, their visit did teach me something: I know quite a bit about San Sebastian. What things are, where to go, what to do, the ins and outs, places to eat/shop, etc. Felt like a pro. Also loved the rush I got from being in charge. A little bit power-hungry, if you will.

So now that the kids are gone and the weekend we've been working toward is here, I have no idea what we're doing next. Chatting, I guess. But I'm not exactly responsible enough for my own group, nor do I want one. I'd like to just be left alone to work on my assignment that I actually enjoy. Again, slipping into the giant ball of frustration.
~Breathe, let it go, think of the Beatles and ice cream~

Today was Official Breakout the Flip-Flops Day. It was a beautiful thing.

Lots of Texas teenager craziness going on around here. We're basically their tour guides around the city. Which means walking about 10-15 miles yesterday. And then a day off to recuperate.

So, me being me, I've been making a mental list of things that will will be different, "foreign" if you will, to me when I get home. Here it goes:
- Driving. Just stopping to think now, I have a hard time remembering where the gas and brake are. Hopefully that'll come back naturally.
- Understanding. For the past two months, I haven't understood most of what I've heard or read. I'm used to not hearing or seeing English. The fact that I'll be back surrounded by it is really strange to think about.
- Understanding. The fact that everyone will be able to understand me. I've gotten in the habit of talking as little as possible to strange people. It saves me time and effort. I just nod and smile most of the time. America will think I'm rude.
- Menus. I will freak out the first time I look at a menu and know what everything on there means. And then there's ordering. I won't know how to order without pointing and slowly saying as little as possible.
- Changing my language. Right now, I can pretty easily slip out a 'gracias' or 'si' or 'hola'. I even have to stop myself from slipping out French every so often. Stopping that will be tough.
- Jennifer. Shoot, I've spent every day with the chick for two months, not to mention some pretty intense times in between. Not seeing that face every day will be different. Not bad, but different ;)
- Commodities. I've been able to exist on a few pairs of pants, a hand full of shirts and just minimal things all around. Suddenly having so much at my disposal will be very weird. And intimidating.
- People. Most days here, I'm around two people that know me and that I have a relationship with. Home, that number grows quite a bit. I will have to adjust how I relate to people, which should be interesting.
- Time. Jetlag. Waking up at three in the morning, dead tired by seven at night. Not looking forward to that.

Even though I've known about this for years, it still makes me happy: http://www.foundmagazine.com/find/767

Gotta love Americans

So we have a group of 16-18 year old private Christian school kids here this week. I like a couple of them. The rest, they have yet to impress me. Typical spoiled teenagers. They have a lot of work to do if they want to improve their image in my mind.

But the good thing about them: they brought CANDY! Yeah, I gorged myself on things I didn't even eat back home and things I miss. Starburst, Skittles, M&Ms, Reese's, Kit Kat. All very lovely and delicious and tastes even better when you can't get it for months at a time. That's why I flip out over Mountain Dew here. I don't drink it at home but its when I can't have it that I want it. I think I have one in the fridge that I might have to break into now...

I want to get a bulldog and name it "El Gaupo"

So the Texas kids taught the Spanish kids to line dance. And we discussed Robert Earl Keen. How stereotypical can you get?

And this is Aliyah (sp?), or my favorite person that I've met in Spain. She's an elf.

So, the title of this thing is becoming obsolete. I now know the following phrases: "con/solo queso" "cafe con leche" "sin" "beuno", plus a variety of food related words. Most of my very limited Spanish has to do with food. As it should be.

Talk about a bummer of a day. Nothing feels better than feeling like you can't do anything right no matter how much you try. I either need some positive affirmation or for the next 50something days to go by quickly. It seems I spend a lot of time as a giant ball of frustration.

The next two weeks are going to be interesting. And exhausting. And probably make me hate life. And I'm usually all for spontaneity but its irritating not to really know what we're doing day to day when we're in charge of people. Knowing things would be nice. And see? Giant ball of frustration.

There's nothing really special about this picture. It was just in the little city we went to the other day called Honorribia (or something like that). And the streets were literally empty. It was rather creepy.

So May 8th/9th is the new D-Day, at least for now. The last day we could possibly be in Spain. And the option of me going to Paris? Nope. Can't. I'd love to stick it out to the end, but I can't spend a month in a city that hates me. So home it is.

We've got this group of kids coming this week and I'm kind of excited. It'll be nice to be around people that speak English. And I like being in charge of underlings, despite what those little jokers have cost me with them even knowing it. But, I do love working with youth. Its why I'll be working camp this summer for the fifth time. Of course, I'll also need a job and camp + job is not an equation that works out very well. But we'll see...

The thing I miss most about home (people not included) is definitely the food. I pine and yearn for the food. I will say this for Paris, I never met a meal there that I didn't enjoy. Spain, on the other hand, not so much.

And that's all I've got right now.

We'd been trapped inside for waaaaaay too long.

And my favorite picture of the week:

Annnnnnnnnd welcome back to Stage Two! Kind of snuck up on me there, came out of nowhere with a little bit of blindsiding. I'm hoping its just the weather, the clouds and rain, preventing us from going to the beach, which is always a good Stage Two killer. But no sun means no beach and being locked up in the apartment means being locked into homesickness. I shouldn't be complaining, I should be enjoying the fact that I have nothing to do because starting at the end of next week, I'm going to have two intense weeks of Texas teenage fun. Yeehaw! Distraction is always a sure fire way to avoid Stage Two, so that should definately help. I need to go out and take pictures.

One of the things that we don't have here and that I surprisingly don't miss is TV. I don't miss it. At all. I mean, I'd like to know what's going on in the world but there's the Drudge Report for that. And thanks to the lovely Dame Maggie Smith, I am caught up on the only three shows that matter: Lost, Scrubs, and The Office. I am actually getting ready to watch The Office right now, gearing up and getting excited. Sidenote: everyone (or every girl, I should say) goes on and on about how amazing Jim is. And granted, who wouldn't want to marry him? He's perfect in everyway. But that's just it. He's perfect. Where's the flaw? He loves too much? He has bedhead? He always says things that are too sweet? Its not real. Real may not always be fun and ideal, but so what. Real is good, imperfect is good, flaws are good. Eh, but what do I know. And furthermore, I feel for guys that have to follow in Jim's floppy-haired footsteps. Talk about a hard time, having to live up to expectations created by a fictional character. Jim does set the bar pretty high...


I always end up signing off with a picture, so here's today's:

One Hail of a Day

Yeah, you see what I did there? Quirky and irreverant. That's me.

So I was bored earlier and going through some old documents on my computer. Old stories, fragments of things, videos and PowerPoints I'd put together for fun (few people know this, but I enjoy making PowerPoint presentations about random things, just for kicks and giggles). Also, lists. Lots of lists. I make lists for everything. But then I found a list of things that my 19 year old self wanted to accomplish in the year before I turned 20. For one reason or another, I'd hung on to it. Now, from what I remember, I only ended up doing one of those things (learn to say "hello" in 10 languages, and I can't even remember that) but here's the list:
- Get something pierced
- Meet a French person
- Go to a new state
- Make a new friend
- Go on a date
- Pass College Algebra
- Lost 10 pounds
- Drive a Mustang/Xterra
- The "hello" thing
- Come to terms with there being a "2" in front of my age
Now, I only ended up getting one of those done in that year. However, if you'll look closely, you'll notice that I have managed to do all of that in the past year, plus a little bit more. There really wasn't much of a point in me saying all of that, it was just an observation. But this list isn't the one of things I want to do in my life, that list is a whole heck of a lot longer. And not so easily done.

And now, a dear old video of a deer.

Random Thoughts

- Spanish people have really fascinating eyes. As in, I can't stop staring at them sometimes. They literally twinkle.

- Jenn totally ding dong ditched some people today. It was all kinds of awesome. I think we should start doing it on purpose, just for giggles.

- I saw a guy at a bus stop today and immediately thought "Oh look, an American". Why? Because he was wearing a baseball cap. I realized that no one here wears those. And now I realize that I miss seeing them.

- I also realize that I'm starting to think of San Sebastian as a sort of home. I'm getting used to it and getting to know it.

- Finally ordered an entire meal all by myself today. Granted, it was McDonalds, but still. I knew everything to say, said it fast and with authority, and then answered whatever it was she asked me. It was awesome. I rule. I also bought a dress at the mall. All by myself, although that didn't take much communication.

- Paris hates me. And I hate it. But I don't feel like anyone really understands that. I feel like I'm giving up, being defeated, being weak. I don't want to have to explain to people at home why I'm back. They won't get it. They'll just ask why couldn't I go anywhere else and judge me, think I couldn't hack it. I hate to quit. Hate it. And this feels like I'm quiting. And it sucks.

- But anyways, in preparation for my calendar assignment, which I am excited about, I messed around all day today in Photoshop. Not that that was such a terrible thing. Good times nonetheless. One of my favorites so far:

I apparently live in an uneasy world of questions that go unanswered, excitement is crushed, expectations should never be high, and disappointment is a mainstay.

How 'bout that optimism?

Eh, it'll get better. Right?

And if not, a daisy: