January 19th - April 21st, 2009

A Breakdown:

Cost for trip: $2600
Months spent in Europe: 3
Months spent in Spain: 2 and a half-ish
Hours spent on a plane: 35+
Hours spent online: 200+ (estimate)
Hours spent doing what I was here to do: 20ish
Hours spent in detainment: about 6
Countries visited: 5
Countries kicked out of: 2
Total modes of various transportation used (plane, bus, car, on foot, etc): 7
Mona Lisa's seen: 1
Cost of phone bill: no comment
Total visits to a church service: 2
Ice cream consumed: enough to make Blue Bell blush
Moments of irritation and desperation: countless
Moments of joy and happiness: more than countless
Friends made: at least a couple. Maybe. Hopefully?
Cameras broken: 1
Facebook photo albums created: 7
Naked people seen on beach: too many
Sunburns: 3
Spanish words learned: about 20
Most important of those words: "queso"
Knowing that I can do anything I set my mind to and having an amazing experience that I'll remember for the rest of my life: priceless.

So, I'm sitting in the office. Alone, which is better than what was going on yesterday. And I've got some Snow Patrol coming through the headphones, mellowing the mood. In an attempt to help the next three hours of my life pass quickly, I decided to update. But the thing that really sucks is that its an insanely beautiful day outside.

Monday morning, I hop a train to Paris. There, its some lovely debriefing with what will hopefully not be ScaryTerry. I'm preparing to vent, making a mental list of everything that has happened over the past 3 months. But I'm starting to think that I don't have enough brain capacity to store everything that's happened. But then, Tuesday morning, it go time. A flight from Paris to Philly to Charlotte and then, oh then, one final stop in the lovely city of Jackson, MS. And then what? Who knows. Readjustment. Starbucks. Quality time with people. Lots of good ole American food. Move on with life. It'll just be nice to finally be somewhere that I feel wanted and useful. Haven't felt that in about, oh I don't know, 3 months.

And how do I feel about all of this? Relief. Glad to finally be getting out of this situation, to finally have breakdowns on a weekly basis and finally get back to my normal, unemotional state. Excited. I'm ready to be home and see people that actually give a crap about me and that I really really miss. That'll be nice. Disappointment. I'm quitting. No matter what anyone says otherwise, I know in my heart that I couldn't hack it and I had to quit. Its something I'm going to have to deal with. Fear. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Sadness. I'm leaving a place that I love, that's completely beautiful and awesome. I'm also leaving my compadre, roommate, and teammate of three months. And I'll miss her. It'll be weird to not sleep three feet away from someone every night or have daily venting sessions. I only hope she doesn't snap one day, climb a clocktower, and kill everyone within 100 yards. That'd be bad.

But this time next week, what will I be doing?! Starbucks! Barnes and Noble! Target! Being home!

I will not, however, be able to see this whenever I want anymore.

Ah, my ever changing world of when I'm going home. Currently: sometime before April 21st.

That means I have two weeks, give or take some. That made me realize how much I still have to do and see before I leave. Plus, there are gifts to buy so that people back home don't throw fits at me.

For the most part, my frustration is pretty low. But that's mostly because I don't really care anymore and am just going through each day, biding my time. Terrible thing to say, but so completely true. My day currently: Wake up sometime between 10:30-12, shower, eat lunch, watch some TV/movie online, go sit in the office for three hours and pretend to be busy while silently wanting to kill someone, come back home for some possible Skypage, dinner, Skypage, waste time online, sleep by about 2:00. Every day. Quite sad.

But now, a picture:

This is what happens when you're forced to sit in a room for three hours a day and do work that you are completely unmotivated to do. And when you have a laptop but no internet access. Turn up the volume and enjoy.

Continual ball of frustration

So when am I coming home? I have no idea.

Number of jobs I've already applied for today: 13
Number that have already been declined: 2
How many of those would I actually enjoy: maybe 2

The love of my life, my everything, my beautiful, flawless possession that I hold in the utmost value, it is broken. My wonderful camera that I got for graduation and have cherished for only a few short months went crashing to the floor yesterday. Broke my heart. The lens is jammed or broken or something. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I'm totally in one of those moments in life where it seems that nothing is going right and in an effort to combat it, I'm going numb. And that's never good.

This has been such a downer of a post. So here's a Spanish flower:

It was an emotionally lousy week followed by a pretty good weekend. We helped out with the Chat Weekend retreat, which pretty meant doing what we were told to do. But when not doing that, it was fun to just chill out with people. Both Texans and Basque. Met a bunch of really great people. They say that its impossible to build relationships here because its impossible to break through the coldness of the people. But having something like this weekend helps to build friendships that could last for quite a while.

One of my favorite things that I've learned here: my name doesn't exist. That is why whenever I introduce myself to someone, all I get is a blank stare and them asking me to repeat it a few times. Makes me feel special.

So, we've spent more than a month preparing for the past week and a half. Now that the past week and a half are past, I am really curious as to what the rest of our time will be filled with. Conversation groups? Maybe, but I don't exactly do much of those. Just one, actually. And I don't believe anyone is keen on giving me my own, which is fine with me. So, back to taking pictures? Sounds good.

I'm ready for some baseball. And cupcakes. And Starbucks. And fried catfish. And a million other things that I miss so dearly. Most of which are food.

Sheep

So as of today, I've been in Europe 2 months. That's kind of a long time. At least to me it is. And it seems that for those 2 months, I've been a constant ball of frustration and irritation. Once, just once, I'd like things to go as planned. I don't want last minute changes or alterations or cancellations or additions. I want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, and then go and do it. As planned. I know I have to be flexible and bendable, but you can only take so much bending before you snap and break.

So the Texas kids were pretty cool. I liked a few of them. And it was nice to have other people around that were American. Ah, I sometimes miss Americans. That is, until they take pictures on the bus, wear touristy jackets and fanny-packs, sing in public, and generally irritate me with their ignorance to other cultures. However, their visit did teach me something: I know quite a bit about San Sebastian. What things are, where to go, what to do, the ins and outs, places to eat/shop, etc. Felt like a pro. Also loved the rush I got from being in charge. A little bit power-hungry, if you will.

So now that the kids are gone and the weekend we've been working toward is here, I have no idea what we're doing next. Chatting, I guess. But I'm not exactly responsible enough for my own group, nor do I want one. I'd like to just be left alone to work on my assignment that I actually enjoy. Again, slipping into the giant ball of frustration.
~Breathe, let it go, think of the Beatles and ice cream~

Today was Official Breakout the Flip-Flops Day. It was a beautiful thing.

Lots of Texas teenager craziness going on around here. We're basically their tour guides around the city. Which means walking about 10-15 miles yesterday. And then a day off to recuperate.

So, me being me, I've been making a mental list of things that will will be different, "foreign" if you will, to me when I get home. Here it goes:
- Driving. Just stopping to think now, I have a hard time remembering where the gas and brake are. Hopefully that'll come back naturally.
- Understanding. For the past two months, I haven't understood most of what I've heard or read. I'm used to not hearing or seeing English. The fact that I'll be back surrounded by it is really strange to think about.
- Understanding. The fact that everyone will be able to understand me. I've gotten in the habit of talking as little as possible to strange people. It saves me time and effort. I just nod and smile most of the time. America will think I'm rude.
- Menus. I will freak out the first time I look at a menu and know what everything on there means. And then there's ordering. I won't know how to order without pointing and slowly saying as little as possible.
- Changing my language. Right now, I can pretty easily slip out a 'gracias' or 'si' or 'hola'. I even have to stop myself from slipping out French every so often. Stopping that will be tough.
- Jennifer. Shoot, I've spent every day with the chick for two months, not to mention some pretty intense times in between. Not seeing that face every day will be different. Not bad, but different ;)
- Commodities. I've been able to exist on a few pairs of pants, a hand full of shirts and just minimal things all around. Suddenly having so much at my disposal will be very weird. And intimidating.
- People. Most days here, I'm around two people that know me and that I have a relationship with. Home, that number grows quite a bit. I will have to adjust how I relate to people, which should be interesting.
- Time. Jetlag. Waking up at three in the morning, dead tired by seven at night. Not looking forward to that.

Even though I've known about this for years, it still makes me happy: http://www.foundmagazine.com/find/767

Gotta love Americans

So we have a group of 16-18 year old private Christian school kids here this week. I like a couple of them. The rest, they have yet to impress me. Typical spoiled teenagers. They have a lot of work to do if they want to improve their image in my mind.

But the good thing about them: they brought CANDY! Yeah, I gorged myself on things I didn't even eat back home and things I miss. Starburst, Skittles, M&Ms, Reese's, Kit Kat. All very lovely and delicious and tastes even better when you can't get it for months at a time. That's why I flip out over Mountain Dew here. I don't drink it at home but its when I can't have it that I want it. I think I have one in the fridge that I might have to break into now...

I want to get a bulldog and name it "El Gaupo"

So the Texas kids taught the Spanish kids to line dance. And we discussed Robert Earl Keen. How stereotypical can you get?

And this is Aliyah (sp?), or my favorite person that I've met in Spain. She's an elf.

So, the title of this thing is becoming obsolete. I now know the following phrases: "con/solo queso" "cafe con leche" "sin" "beuno", plus a variety of food related words. Most of my very limited Spanish has to do with food. As it should be.

Talk about a bummer of a day. Nothing feels better than feeling like you can't do anything right no matter how much you try. I either need some positive affirmation or for the next 50something days to go by quickly. It seems I spend a lot of time as a giant ball of frustration.

The next two weeks are going to be interesting. And exhausting. And probably make me hate life. And I'm usually all for spontaneity but its irritating not to really know what we're doing day to day when we're in charge of people. Knowing things would be nice. And see? Giant ball of frustration.

There's nothing really special about this picture. It was just in the little city we went to the other day called Honorribia (or something like that). And the streets were literally empty. It was rather creepy.

So May 8th/9th is the new D-Day, at least for now. The last day we could possibly be in Spain. And the option of me going to Paris? Nope. Can't. I'd love to stick it out to the end, but I can't spend a month in a city that hates me. So home it is.

We've got this group of kids coming this week and I'm kind of excited. It'll be nice to be around people that speak English. And I like being in charge of underlings, despite what those little jokers have cost me with them even knowing it. But, I do love working with youth. Its why I'll be working camp this summer for the fifth time. Of course, I'll also need a job and camp + job is not an equation that works out very well. But we'll see...

The thing I miss most about home (people not included) is definitely the food. I pine and yearn for the food. I will say this for Paris, I never met a meal there that I didn't enjoy. Spain, on the other hand, not so much.

And that's all I've got right now.

We'd been trapped inside for waaaaaay too long.

And my favorite picture of the week:

Annnnnnnnnd welcome back to Stage Two! Kind of snuck up on me there, came out of nowhere with a little bit of blindsiding. I'm hoping its just the weather, the clouds and rain, preventing us from going to the beach, which is always a good Stage Two killer. But no sun means no beach and being locked up in the apartment means being locked into homesickness. I shouldn't be complaining, I should be enjoying the fact that I have nothing to do because starting at the end of next week, I'm going to have two intense weeks of Texas teenage fun. Yeehaw! Distraction is always a sure fire way to avoid Stage Two, so that should definately help. I need to go out and take pictures.

One of the things that we don't have here and that I surprisingly don't miss is TV. I don't miss it. At all. I mean, I'd like to know what's going on in the world but there's the Drudge Report for that. And thanks to the lovely Dame Maggie Smith, I am caught up on the only three shows that matter: Lost, Scrubs, and The Office. I am actually getting ready to watch The Office right now, gearing up and getting excited. Sidenote: everyone (or every girl, I should say) goes on and on about how amazing Jim is. And granted, who wouldn't want to marry him? He's perfect in everyway. But that's just it. He's perfect. Where's the flaw? He loves too much? He has bedhead? He always says things that are too sweet? Its not real. Real may not always be fun and ideal, but so what. Real is good, imperfect is good, flaws are good. Eh, but what do I know. And furthermore, I feel for guys that have to follow in Jim's floppy-haired footsteps. Talk about a hard time, having to live up to expectations created by a fictional character. Jim does set the bar pretty high...


I always end up signing off with a picture, so here's today's:

One Hail of a Day

Yeah, you see what I did there? Quirky and irreverant. That's me.

So I was bored earlier and going through some old documents on my computer. Old stories, fragments of things, videos and PowerPoints I'd put together for fun (few people know this, but I enjoy making PowerPoint presentations about random things, just for kicks and giggles). Also, lists. Lots of lists. I make lists for everything. But then I found a list of things that my 19 year old self wanted to accomplish in the year before I turned 20. For one reason or another, I'd hung on to it. Now, from what I remember, I only ended up doing one of those things (learn to say "hello" in 10 languages, and I can't even remember that) but here's the list:
- Get something pierced
- Meet a French person
- Go to a new state
- Make a new friend
- Go on a date
- Pass College Algebra
- Lost 10 pounds
- Drive a Mustang/Xterra
- The "hello" thing
- Come to terms with there being a "2" in front of my age
Now, I only ended up getting one of those done in that year. However, if you'll look closely, you'll notice that I have managed to do all of that in the past year, plus a little bit more. There really wasn't much of a point in me saying all of that, it was just an observation. But this list isn't the one of things I want to do in my life, that list is a whole heck of a lot longer. And not so easily done.

And now, a dear old video of a deer.

Random Thoughts

- Spanish people have really fascinating eyes. As in, I can't stop staring at them sometimes. They literally twinkle.

- Jenn totally ding dong ditched some people today. It was all kinds of awesome. I think we should start doing it on purpose, just for giggles.

- I saw a guy at a bus stop today and immediately thought "Oh look, an American". Why? Because he was wearing a baseball cap. I realized that no one here wears those. And now I realize that I miss seeing them.

- I also realize that I'm starting to think of San Sebastian as a sort of home. I'm getting used to it and getting to know it.

- Finally ordered an entire meal all by myself today. Granted, it was McDonalds, but still. I knew everything to say, said it fast and with authority, and then answered whatever it was she asked me. It was awesome. I rule. I also bought a dress at the mall. All by myself, although that didn't take much communication.

- Paris hates me. And I hate it. But I don't feel like anyone really understands that. I feel like I'm giving up, being defeated, being weak. I don't want to have to explain to people at home why I'm back. They won't get it. They'll just ask why couldn't I go anywhere else and judge me, think I couldn't hack it. I hate to quit. Hate it. And this feels like I'm quiting. And it sucks.

- But anyways, in preparation for my calendar assignment, which I am excited about, I messed around all day today in Photoshop. Not that that was such a terrible thing. Good times nonetheless. One of my favorites so far:

I apparently live in an uneasy world of questions that go unanswered, excitement is crushed, expectations should never be high, and disappointment is a mainstay.

How 'bout that optimism?

Eh, it'll get better. Right?

And if not, a daisy:

Twenty-three is the number to be

So my birthday was yesterday. It was good, just felt like any other day. Granted, a good any other day, but still. I guess it comes with the old lady territory. Went and had some quality "me" time at the beach. Tide was way out so that just made it so much prettier and more interesting. Wanted to buy some flowers on the walk back but I couldn't find any, then some guys in a car yelled something at me and I decided to mall-walk it back to the apartment. Then some lunch and quality siesta time, watching the Facebook B-Day posts roll in. Later, out for the night at a pub in the city, where I found what I've been looking for (and Jenn found a waiter), but my comfort food. Fried chicken fillet with fried eggs and French fries. A pile of fried goodness. I needed it. I loved it. If it were legal, I'd marry it. Followed up by ice cream and a trip to the candy store. Lovely evening. But, just didn't have that special birthday pizazz I kind of wanted. But overall, better than the previous two years. And today, at IKEA, I got my flower. A daisy named Fernando. Because he's pretty.

So, like always, our situation is altering and up in the air. There's the chance that we'll have to go home in April if we can't find another option/loophole. I'm completely mixed about this, given my mood at any random moment. Sometimes I want to stay, other time's I'd jump at the chance to go home. Its not that I don't like it here and want to leave, because that's not at all the case. I love it here, its fantastic. I just miss home. Argh, confliction! Yes, I know that's not a real word. Whatever. Here, have a picture or two that I took yesterday.

There were tons and tons of brightly colored rocks all over the beach. I picked up a few choice ones in my favorite colors. Totally nabbed a purple one.

I Promise

We totally do more than just hang out at beach all of the time. We also hang out in town, at shops, around the apartment, and sometimes, we even do a little work. But not lately. The week has been pretty low-key, only one conversational thing earlier tonight and then something tomorrow morning. But when the weather's nice, and we have some motivation, to the beach it is! And its not so much that I'm writing this because I have something to say, its more like I'm writing because I haven't written in a while. So.....how about a picture from today!

In all of this spare time, I've also done this:

(I'm not a fan of the sailboat)

Things I learned this weekend:

- I can order my food on my own! But mostly by pointing and nodding.
- I love a challenge. Whether physical, emotional, or mental. However, when those combine to challenge me all at one time, I implode.
- Carnival is some crazy stuff. And the men love to wear dresses.
- As much as Europeans hate America, they sure do love our music, movies, and culture. Last night alone, I heard Hannah Montana, Britney Spears, saw tons of Native American costumes, and Spiderman was everywhere.
- Being in this situation has made my emotions hyperbolic. I'm extreme. I'm ultra sensitive so everything offends me, when I get annoyed I get angry, when I'm down its the lowest of lows, and when I'm mean I turn pretty nasty. And about that last one, my apologies go out to a certain boy who I've been a jerk to lately. I'm sorry. But maybe this will explain why.
- I may have to climb that Jesus Mountain many more times next month, except carrying a group of high schoolers with me. Fun stuff.
- Baptists in Spain are way nicer than home. They all want to talk to the strange Americans.
- They also play American worship music, which was great. Not so great: the hour and a half sermon. I didn't even bother to try and understand.
- I miss Target. Eroski's great and all, but it's no Target.
- I also miss warm chocolate cake, cheesy bacon omelets, biscuits with butter and honey, OEC, homemade nachos, big waffles, massive burgers that are dripping with all kinds of melted cheeses and goodness, and that filet dish served over mashed potatoes with the garlic shrimp sauce that I can only get in Lexington. Oh, and Starbucks. I am going to get so fat when I get back.
- I keep forgetting my birthday is this week. Doesn't feel like it. I'd like huge, brightly wrapped presents that I can tear into and enjoy. Lots and lots of those.
-Little girls in Spain during Carnival like to dress up as Girl Scouts and dance through the street to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl".

And now, what really happened on Jesus Mountain:

The Ansel Adams in me...

...is loving being here so much. My photography gene is flipping out, snapping stuff all over the place. The scenery is one thing, so insanely beautiful that it's just begging to be photographed. And then there are the people, that to me, stand out as much as the scenery, begging even more to be captured on film. And its all feeding my passion, my love. It's fantastic. Taking pictures is one of those things I get lost in, that makes me completely happy. Thus, being here and being around town snapping random shots just makes me happy. Some of my favorites:

Sunset. Just plain pretty.

Taken our first time to the beach. I love that building.

Sunset at an angry high tide

I watched this couple for a while (not in a creepy way, just to see what they would do next) and they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Gave me a lot of great shots.

The sun'll come out....tomorrow

Yeah, not only is that song in my head (along with another song, that thanks to a boy, shall go unnamed) but I guess it could describe my mood. I'm between positive and just whatever. Days are going by faster and easier and I'm having a good time, but at the same time, missing stuff. Like today I realized I missed Taco Bell. That is now added to the list along with Chik-fil-a, fresh baked cookies, homemade nachos, my car, my dog, my boy, my mom, Oprah, my bed, my compadres (that's Spanish, right?) and hearing English on a regular basis. I also miss socialization with groups of people, which sounds really strange but true. And now I'm thinking I need to listen to some Beyonce before I go all melancholy again.

But before I go, I did some English conversing with two older ladies last night. Both were in their sixties. Or maybe fifties and they just looked older. But whatever. We were discussing likes and dislikes and one said that she was "crazy for the Beatles". For some reason, that just made, not so much my day but maybe my hour. It was just a great, random little moment. This trip is made up of great, random little moments of home that make me smile, give me a little hope and then send me on my way. Yesterday, it was that and hearing Alicia Keys in a grocery store. Today's moment: some freshman looking high school boys out behind the school, playing a informal game of lacrosse. Made me happy.

And now, a movie? Yes? No? Well tough, you're getting one anyways, coutesty of boredom at a Paris bus stop.

Paris hates me

Whenever something goes wrong on this trip, which happens quite a bit, I just say that "Paris hates me". Blame it on Paris. That terrible city and I have a mutual distain for each other. It loves to wreck havoc and I love to curse it. Its gotten me deported, police escorted, sick multiple times, its pushed me down a flight of stairs, broken my luggage, and sent me to a country where I can't even order McDonalds for myself. Paris hates me. And last night, it took away some of my hope. The one thing I was hoping on to keep me going, to get me through the next four months, my little bit of home, Paris took it. And of course, Paris being the cruel mistress that it is, it's forcing us to return in June. Who knows what fate awaits those three days. A lot can happen in three days. Shoot, it only took eight hours to get kicked out of half of Europe. All I really need right now is to not think about next week or next month or how far away June is. I'm shoulder deep into Stage Two and it is not pleasant. Maybe the beach will help...

Also, in an effort to help, a fun little game. Go to Google and search for "(your name) needs", the write down the first ten that it brings up. Some of mine are rather topical:
Katie needs your help
Katie needs IV fluids
Katie needs hula lessons
Katie needs you
Katie needs a blog
Katie needs parenting classes
Katie needs kisses
Katie needs to hit the reset button
Katie needs to work on her posture
Katie needs a new home

Odio la etapa dos

So in training, we learned the steps of culture shock. It comes in five stages. Stage One is the euphoria of "I love this city, I love my life, I love the food, I love the scenery, I love that dog, I love the bus, I love it all" and it can last for days or weeks or an hour. Stage Two is "I hate this place, I hate the food, I can't function, I miss my life, I want to go home" and it can last for days or weeks or an hour. Stage Three is acceptance of your place and new city and culture. It is supposed to be a peaceful stage. Then there's Four, or the moment you get off the plane back home and want to turn around and go right back to what's been your home for the past few months. Stage Four is supposed to be the hardest stage, as it's reverse cultural shock. You're back home and realizing that life has gone on without and no one really cares what they have in French grocery stores or what the Spanish word for "toe" is. Its the readjustment and I am not looking forward to it. And finally, Stage Five, or The Big Acceptance. You get readjusted to home, back in the swing of things, caught up on TV, and people remember that you're back and to include you in their lives. Looking forward to that stage. But I explained all of that to tell you this: I woke up in Stage Two this morning. My first thought when I opened my eyes was "Crap, I don't want to be here" But I'm going to fight it. I'm going to make quesadillas and drink some Coke and eat gummy bears and fight it. And hopefully I'll have it defeated by June.

And also, I guess a factor assisting in my Stage Two-ness is that it's Valentine's Day (or, as my lovely teammate refers to it, Single's Awareness Day) It's my first V-Day to actually be with someone and I'm not actually with him. So that sucks. And I've also gotten in the habit of taking pictures of couple. One reason is pretty obvious but another reason being that I'm trying to become a better photographer and there's just a magic that couples have that I like to try and capture. Plus it just makes me happy. But here's what I have so far:

Pigeons need love too.

And this is probably my favorite:

Today was a good day. Totally did some good, hardcore missionwork. Such as going to the mall, eating at McDonald's, buying chocolate to get us through the day, and then some Facebooking, naturally. But to continue our missions, Jenn and I went to the beach to take some pictures at sunset. I guess we could've actually talked to some people, gotten some ideas about the area and such as that. But nope, just took pictures. Beautiful, amazing pictures. Of water and waves and sand and people and a giant Jesus statue and mountains and buildings. Ah, good stuff.

And so it begins...

It's been in interesting road to San Sebastian. And that might be the understatement of the year. More on that later, but right now, I'm just trying to figure things out. I was supposed to be in Cardiff, Wales, joining a training program. Then I ended up trapped in Paris for three weeks, wandering the streets, stealing bread from pigeons. And that brought me to Spain, where I'm joining a conversational English program that works with the university students of San Sebastian, especially those that speak the Basque language and hopefully forming some lasting relationships. So, unlike my previous blog, which switched to Spanish and wouldn't let me post anything, this one will get going and become a place for me to rant and rave about what I'm doing, what I hate here, what I miss and how badly I want to come home. Until it's time to come home, in which case, I'll want to stay. But in any rate, see you later.